Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Small excerpts from my journal, blobbed and retouched

My self control and self commitment are almost gone entirely.
What these means in context. Self control in general has been hard for me growing up with very strong ADD. It took a very very long time to develop the mental skill to be able to stop and think before acting. "Why did you do that?" "I don't know." There is no thought before doing something, it happens and you don't realize it happened till after the fact. The impulses and compulsions are very very strong, and almost (but not quite) to the level of OCD. So as I was growing up I had to learn to stop my own brain and then force myself to think about it. Didn't matter if it was something I was going to say or an action I was going to take, I had to learn to build floodgates. Around 4-6yo is when I was able to slow down my immediate physical responses to things people did to me. In example, shoving someone into a wall within half a second of them stepping on my foot. It took much much much much much much much longer to take to controlling what I said. I would say I had it down to a skill by the time I was 12, not perfect, but well restrained, and I was able to develop it well from there. By doing so I was able to think about what I wanted to say and how to phrase it so it should not be confusing, and would be direct. Both of these things have taken a monumental fall from where they used to be. Along with this, I have a harder time attempting to convey my thoughts to other people because there is some disconnect happening in my head between concepts/thoughts/ideas and words/phrases. I don't feel shame/guilt/remorse for actions I have taken. I literally have to sit and force myself to think if what I did was bad in some/any way/shape/form. On top of that, I don't have any sympathy or empathy to other people. Facebook post from December 4, 2010 at 11:24pm "Over the past year, I have been feeling (and acting) particularly highly indignant toward people/groups/ideas, and Im not certain how to quell it." Its causing other issues, and its quite bothersome. I do what I can to know and understand where someone is coming from and who they are and it's really hard for me to be able to connect to people at all. Add onto that the fact that my neuropsychologist said I am way above average in cognitive ability and speed. In essence, when I see things other people don't, I wonder why they are so stupid. So when two people with similar views read something and come to two completely different conclusions I try to figure out why. "How come someone be so negative to someone attempting to explain themselves?" It pains me when someone takes something I said the wrong way than what I thought I had put down. Continuing on with issues, when having conversations with people there are times where they say something that makes sense grammatically/syntactically/semantically, and I still have no clue as to what they said. That makes it excruciatingly difficult to have meaningful discussions and debates like I had in the past. I literally have to stop someone and ask them to explain something because the concept didn't "click." My emotions are so out of whack it's highly depressing, even for other people around me. Imagine being hit with a strong sense of anger with no trigger and no immediate outlet. Now imagine sorrow. Now think about how it never happens with happiness. Fun thought, eh? I have a hard time containing myself on many things. Moving on, when it comes to self control as far as "doing" and "not doing" something, I'm totally fucked. Commitment is very similar. When a friend or relative asks me to go do something with/for them as a voluntary service, I just get up and go. If it's anything for myself, there is nothing there internally to drive/push/motivate me, no matter the consequences of not doing it. Homework did not get done at all over the last three semesters, papers only got written cause I got help. I can't explain what goes on in my own head, but all I can say is that when I try forcing myself to do something the worse doing nothing happens. I can be screaming inside of my own head to "do" or "not do" something, and it will occur opposite of what I want and tell myself. For example, when I was holding a very close friend of mine for a long time because of how stressed she was one afternoon, I did what I could to not say "I have to go now." That didn't last past 4 seconds in my head when I said it outloud, and then was kicking myself and telling myself "WHY DID YOU SAY THAT! WTF NATE!" I keep telling myself "I'm not gonna do _. I'm not gonna do _. I'm not gonna do _. I'm not gonna do _. I'm not gonna do _." I still do it anyway and receive the consequences for it. "I am gonna do _. I am gonna do _. I am gonna do _. I am gonna do _. I am gonna do _." and I don't do it and receive the consequences for it. Its the most terrifying experience to realize that you have absolutely no control over your own mind. Now imagine that happening with texting other people, calling a person [back] on the phone, responding in class, and finally typing and sending a response online, and you have a pretty good idea of WTF is going wrong with Nate. Now also apply this with a depressive mood of apathy toward self commitment thrown in. I barely; get out of bed, eat, or groom myself at all unless I leave the house for whatever reason. What worked before to de-stress myself and to uplift me has no effect anymore. So when my parents went to "whip me back into shape" they made things worse and don't know what to do now. My parents and some friends say things that really really get me mad and I start to get very very very angry and very tense, and I have to tell them to "Stop. Just stop." talking or I will explode at them (both verbally AND physically). Yeah, it gets so bad I have absolutely zero issues with striking anyone with my fist. Other horrible things that happened in Nate's own head will be picked up in another post, but not now.

For atheists, this blog entry ends here.

Side rant: Yes, I have bloody well prayed about it since I found I had brain damage! There is no "have more faith." "You don't have enough faith." "You just need to pray more." BULLSHIT! I have my relationship with God, you have yours, don't tell me your "holier than thou" bullshit. One issue I have is with people telling me what they believe in philosophy/theology/spirituality because that is what they have been told, have not actually sat and thought about it, and haven't put it to any actual test or scrutiny, only a test of "spirit," and believe they have all the right answers without looking for themselves. I was raised to pray by asking God for "help with" things (guidance, strength, perseverance, diligence), no "yes/no" questions, no "can I have a _"'s, and lastly to give "thanks," thats it. Because the human mind has a strong grasp on itself and can give a false positive as being God's actions in our minds. I do not believe in asking God for answers, I ask God to help me find answers. Two HUGELY and VASTLY different things. I was raised to ask "why?" Because there is nothing that happens from persons' actions that does not have a form of explanation, so whenever my parents or grandmas told me something, and I asked why, I got a good answer and explanation, and can still ask them anything everyday as to their decisions! They taught me how to scrutinize anything and everything, to pick apart things to see what the message behind it is, and if it doesn't hold up to scrutiny then it should be discarded. When I look at/into something I look at it from every angle I can find and read everything I can on it; Pro, Con, Anti-, neutral, kicked out, left willingly, personal opinion, and statistical information. I then use my God given brain to discern for myself what it is. I then keep the good, and discard the bad. Read 1 Thessalonians 5:21 and then Discernment: Head or Heart?. Then read Jeremiah 17:9, and think about how much your own brain overrides things, like how emotions AND logic/reasoning go out the window when you go into fight or flight. Or how your family and friends can point out MAJOR flaws in a possible significant other that you can't see for yourself because of the neurochemical override of attachment to that person. I do believe people can drown out and override what God tells them, and can even think they are telling themselves what they believe what they "heard" is "from God." I like this very particular quote because it says exactly what I have problems with other people's opinion; "There's nothing so irrational as a person who believes they've inherited their opinion directly from God." That can also be used for a mediator for God; there is absolutely NO ONE who gets between a person and God! Yes, God manifests through other people in everyday lives, but does not say; "Hey, if you do this, I will give you all the answers." God has a much too large sense of humor for that, and gave us the ability to choose things ourselves by thinking about them. Another issue, whenever I hear a "Godly" person say the word "psychobabble," immediate thought in my head as to what that person is; "ignorant," plain and simple. If they are unwilling to learn how to discern the human mind from the Godly spirit, it freaks me the fuck out to even think about what that person believes about mental inabilities, trauma, and abuse.

1 comment:

  1. Well put. God is not a vending machine. Some people think "praying more" is like putting in coins - even though Jesus specifically says not to do that in the sermon on the mount. And he does expect you to use the brain he gave you. Faith has to be tested to be real.