Wednesday, March 16, 2011

My seemingly greatest tool is my worst weakness.

As I grew up I learned to perspectivize from as many angles as I possibly could. Being male, I learned to detach my emotions, empathies, and sympathies to a situation to break it down to basics to get something done with either efficiency or effectiveness maintained or accomplished. Having ADD just helped make it go that much faster.
As you may or may not know, my right side was damaged worse than my left side to make it go even a tad faster.
I learned to balance everything, the highest positive to the lowest negative. I would look at as many -isms as I could internally. I looked at it from as many sides as I possibly could, even if I didn't personally hold those beliefs. I read everything I can to expand my own view about various subjects so I can get to know and possibly understand where someone is coming from. It's helped me make better decisions in the long run. And it still helps today. I also go through which requires the most and least effort and best and worst outcome, and then go with it, but my priorities aren't intact as they used to be. But since 2009, it's not to the extent as it was. So when I decide on something, not quite like I used to be before, I literally, without thinking, choose the most effortless one no matter what outcome it ends in. It's jilted against progress only to self deprecation. So I know I need to do _, I know the negative outcomes, I know what's going to happen if it doesn't happen. No amount of internal yelling does anything. The more I get pushed around me, the more I shut down to not do anything.

I doesn't help that over more than 1.5 years now, the stuff I do seems to separate more and more into highly intellectual, and the polar opposite of highly emotionally indignation. The gap seems to continually widen everyday, bit by bit.

It doesn't help that many things I have done, I hadn't even let my medication take effect, let alone hadn't even taken yet. On top of that, the minor depression I have sucks the fun out of anything and everything and drives me to to the point of such extreme boredom and tiredness even though I KNOW I should be having fun. I had a single, simple maintained positive for 10 months, then my own angry dumbass made that disappear back in November after I didn't have it for 3 months, and literally a few days after that, I got on my new meds.

The more I talk to my therapist, the more I think about things, the clearer and simultaneously more convoluted things get.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Half Asleep

by School of Seven Bells (done back when both twins were still in)

Sometimes I go whole days listening bored, half sleep
I won't say anything
that's worth a thing to me One day,
suddenly, time took a turn that once felt so brief
I blinked to see polite ghosts fading quickly

What begins as an
unguarded train of thought slowly can become
an addiction
to the slumber of disconnection
and resonance of
memory that no longer has a shape
but keeps you numb
through the hours till gone's another day

Be aware, my darling
these things I say I mean are just
traces of something
I long to feel again I see
our time expand in the air almost forcibly,
spreading thinner till it dissolves completely

What begins as an
unguarded train of thought slowly can become
an addiction
to the slumber of disconnection
and resonance of
memory that no longer has a shape
but keeps you numb
through the hours till gone's another day

Friday, February 25, 2011


Think of people saying this:
"You need to get out [of the house] [more]."
Now repeat it every week since summer of 2009.
Add my therapist onto that.

Now add on my parental dynamics;
"Mom, can I go to _?"
"Yeah, sure.
Wait, ask your dad."
"You know he's gonna say 'no,' I'd just prefer to ask you so you can say 'Yes,' then I can leave."
"You have to go ask him."
"Fine. To the rejection I go."
"Dad, can I go to _?"
"Did you pay for your car insurance?"
"That was rhetorical."
"Then you can't go _ or anywhere."
Usually it's not even worth asking.

Now, depending on the situation, my Dad sometimes does not care if I go out to improve my mood when I'm feeling really bad. It semi-depends on how far I go. He doesn't care about the ammo I burn through. When I got back he asked "So, how does it shoot?" ("it" referring to the handgun I received for Christmas 2010) He didn't complain about me driving (read as: using gas) out there till three days later.

But HAHA! Success! (If any of you have heard Kate say "SUCCESS!" the tone is exactly like that, but not the same volume) The family had dinner plans. Sis had a class to go to, thus, she was going to AVC. [insert window of opportunity opening with angelic light and song] So after dinner we went to AVC. Tonight was Silent Games Night. It's a social event for Sign Language students at AVC. I got to see a close friend (really surprised me at first, had to do a double take to even make sure it was my close friend) as well as seeing a good friend. I hadn't seen both of them since last year. I got to talk with my good friend for a long time. We had a lot to catch up on since not seeing each other for so long. We talked well past the time the event ended. I also saw an acquaintance whom I don't dislike in any way/shape/form, I just get frustrated by her. We were both being friendly to each other as polite adults to (granted, it was in public/semi-crowded room) and gave me a hug (that was a surprise). I would've liked to talk to both the acquaintance and close friend, but they both had to leave early. And yes, I AM talking about you overtly without using your name by being generally specific.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

God help this man

Help this dragon
up and out from the ashes
created from the remains
of the damage pressed against him

Help this wolf
find fulfillment through who he is
not only by what he does
but who he knows

Help this force
come to see the angles unavailable
through the lenses he placed over his own eyes

Help this boy
to open up more what he needs to present
and not to fester and rot
by holding inside

Help this eagle
excel to places he sees
he can achieve in time
without pressure in front or above
only from pressure from inside, behind, and below

Monday, January 17, 2011

Stupidity and Hate Averted! (Yay for person!)

(No, not explaining the title, use your brain and what I've been alluding to in previous posts)

At first (Sep 2009) I was all like:
"But why would I do something like that…? Unless, of course, I wasn't myself. But if I'm not me, then who am I?" -Bane as Agent Smith Clone, Matrix 3

"What if I wanted to break/Laugh it all off in your face/What would you do? What if I fell to the floor/Couldn't take all this anymore/…I tried to be someone else/But nothing seemed to change/I know now, this is who I really am inside. Finally found myself/Fighting for a chance/I know now, this is who I really am" -The Kill, by 30 Seconds to Mars

"And if I only could,/Make a deal with God,/And get him to swap our places,/Be running up that road,/Be running up that hill,/Be running up that building./If I only could, oh..." -Running Up That Hill, cover by Placebo

"Can you describe what it's like? I feel nothing./Can you feel this? Does it sting?" -Medicate, by A.F.I.

"Little bit lost and.../Little bit lonely/A little bit cold here/A little bit feared…Getting used to it/Lit the fuse to it/Like to know who I am/…Been talking to myself forever...yeah/And how I wish I knew me better, yeah." -On A Good Day, by Above and Beyond presents Oceanlab

“You met me at a very strange time in my life.” –Narrator, Fight Club (film)

“(Can't stand to feel this way)/Clear out the cobwebs in my soul./This time I turn around/Things have changed/Now I don't feel the same…/Dammit, I changed again./Now I don't see/Things The way I did before/(Can't stand to feel this way)/Things i feel yesterday/Don't matter anymore…It doesn't make any sense/to feel so different day to day/(Can't stand to feel this way)/When nothing's changed except for me.” -Dammit, I Changed Again, by Offspring

“I'm not sick but I'm not well” -I'm Not Sick But I'm Not Well, by LIT

“You got what you wanted, but you lost what you had.” Dr. Facilier “Shadow Man”, The Frog Princess

“I am my own affliction/I am my own disease…/The sickness is myself…/I wanna get back the rest of me/… I wanna spend the rest of my life alive/… I wanna reverse this tragedy” -Mess of Me by Switchfoot

"Here, it's clear that I'm not getting better/... I'm alone in my room, I don't know what to do/... And when I daydream/... It's such a nice scene/ But then I wake up crying (then I wake up crying)/ I know I've just been lying right here" -Put Me Back Together by Weezer

And now (Jan 2011) I'm all like:

(The only time you may ever experience me saying this) THANK YOU GOVERNMENT YOU ACTUALLY DID SOMETHING GOOD!
I was unawares that legislation was passed that required mental health be put under general physical health. So, now my insurance can't be dicks! Buahahahahaha! In simplest form: my insurance has to pay for EVERYTHING (tests and therapy) I can now get that I need (and even some tests I want).

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Psyche! So I have to re-explain something, since I found out some of you are totally confused.

Apparently some of you are misinterpreting what I'm putting here.

I'm simply relaying what has been going on since the damage has been done back from 2009 till now. It will be 2 years in August. I have written everything in a private psych journal, which I have only given to my psychologists. I have then put certain parts of it here as an explanation for what the f*** is happening in my head. This does not give chronology, nor will I say when this has all happened, nor the extent or entirety of the issues. Have some things happened last year, some even this year, and/or some 2 years ago? You won't know, and that is how I want to keep it. For those who think I'm going insane, you only have such little information to go on. And I'm sorry you are that narrow minded and unsympathetic to my plight. This is how I'm making amends to my friends as best I can since I mentioned before how some words don't connect in vocal conversation.

Currently I'm very well medicated for my mood swings (kudos to Dr Roy), my random anxiety attacks have been gone for a very good long while. Right now, I will not go into the cause of why I'm having triggered anxiety attacks, but I have medication for that as well. I'm going to south Pasadena for therapy on Friday, along with that, I have two more tests, and may possibly have to see another doctor who will work along side my psychologists AND my psychiatrist. And that is all you need to know.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

This'll take me awhile

Warning to those who read my blog: The next entry (whenever I actually do it because of how much information will be put into it that it will take me a long time to sit and think about all of it and how to say it) will definitely make you uncomfortable (I'll delve in multiple directions in three large prongs to the post), i[t?] will talk about several different, but all connected subjects to various degrees, and depending on your personal constitution, and connection to me as a friend you may feel; anger/antagonistic, disgust, amusement, and/or benignant just to name a few. this will involve several people being talked about, some overtly, and some covertly mentioned.