Saturday, January 29, 2011

God help this man

Help this dragon
up and out from the ashes
created from the remains
of the damage pressed against him

Help this wolf
find fulfillment through who he is
not only by what he does
but who he knows

Help this force
come to see the angles unavailable
through the lenses he placed over his own eyes

Help this boy
to open up more what he needs to present
and not to fester and rot
by holding inside

Help this eagle
excel to places he sees
he can achieve in time
without pressure in front or above
only from pressure from inside, behind, and below

Monday, January 17, 2011

Stupidity and Hate Averted! (Yay for person!)

(No, not explaining the title, use your brain and what I've been alluding to in previous posts)

At first (Sep 2009) I was all like:
"But why would I do something like that…? Unless, of course, I wasn't myself. But if I'm not me, then who am I?" -Bane as Agent Smith Clone, Matrix 3

"What if I wanted to break/Laugh it all off in your face/What would you do? What if I fell to the floor/Couldn't take all this anymore/…I tried to be someone else/But nothing seemed to change/I know now, this is who I really am inside. Finally found myself/Fighting for a chance/I know now, this is who I really am" -The Kill, by 30 Seconds to Mars

"And if I only could,/Make a deal with God,/And get him to swap our places,/Be running up that road,/Be running up that hill,/Be running up that building./If I only could, oh..." -Running Up That Hill, cover by Placebo

"Can you describe what it's like? I feel nothing./Can you feel this? Does it sting?" -Medicate, by A.F.I.

"Little bit lost and.../Little bit lonely/A little bit cold here/A little bit feared…Getting used to it/Lit the fuse to it/Like to know who I am/…Been talking to myself forever...yeah/And how I wish I knew me better, yeah." -On A Good Day, by Above and Beyond presents Oceanlab

“You met me at a very strange time in my life.” –Narrator, Fight Club (film)

“(Can't stand to feel this way)/Clear out the cobwebs in my soul./This time I turn around/Things have changed/Now I don't feel the same…/Dammit, I changed again./Now I don't see/Things The way I did before/(Can't stand to feel this way)/Things i feel yesterday/Don't matter anymore…It doesn't make any sense/to feel so different day to day/(Can't stand to feel this way)/When nothing's changed except for me.” -Dammit, I Changed Again, by Offspring

“I'm not sick but I'm not well” -I'm Not Sick But I'm Not Well, by LIT

“You got what you wanted, but you lost what you had.” Dr. Facilier “Shadow Man”, The Frog Princess

“I am my own affliction/I am my own disease…/The sickness is myself…/I wanna get back the rest of me/… I wanna spend the rest of my life alive/… I wanna reverse this tragedy” -Mess of Me by Switchfoot

"Here, it's clear that I'm not getting better/... I'm alone in my room, I don't know what to do/... And when I daydream/... It's such a nice scene/ But then I wake up crying (then I wake up crying)/ I know I've just been lying right here" -Put Me Back Together by Weezer

And now (Jan 2011) I'm all like:

(The only time you may ever experience me saying this) THANK YOU GOVERNMENT YOU ACTUALLY DID SOMETHING GOOD!
I was unawares that legislation was passed that required mental health be put under general physical health. So, now my insurance can't be dicks! Buahahahahaha! In simplest form: my insurance has to pay for EVERYTHING (tests and therapy) I can now get that I need (and even some tests I want).

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Psyche! So I have to re-explain something, since I found out some of you are totally confused.

Apparently some of you are misinterpreting what I'm putting here.

I'm simply relaying what has been going on since the damage has been done back from 2009 till now. It will be 2 years in August. I have written everything in a private psych journal, which I have only given to my psychologists. I have then put certain parts of it here as an explanation for what the f*** is happening in my head. This does not give chronology, nor will I say when this has all happened, nor the extent or entirety of the issues. Have some things happened last year, some even this year, and/or some 2 years ago? You won't know, and that is how I want to keep it. For those who think I'm going insane, you only have such little information to go on. And I'm sorry you are that narrow minded and unsympathetic to my plight. This is how I'm making amends to my friends as best I can since I mentioned before how some words don't connect in vocal conversation.

Currently I'm very well medicated for my mood swings (kudos to Dr Roy), my random anxiety attacks have been gone for a very good long while. Right now, I will not go into the cause of why I'm having triggered anxiety attacks, but I have medication for that as well. I'm going to south Pasadena for therapy on Friday, along with that, I have two more tests, and may possibly have to see another doctor who will work along side my psychologists AND my psychiatrist. And that is all you need to know.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

This'll take me awhile

Warning to those who read my blog: The next entry (whenever I actually do it because of how much information will be put into it that it will take me a long time to sit and think about all of it and how to say it) will definitely make you uncomfortable (I'll delve in multiple directions in three large prongs to the post), i[t?] will talk about several different, but all connected subjects to various degrees, and depending on your personal constitution, and connection to me as a friend you may feel; anger/antagonistic, disgust, amusement, and/or benignant just to name a few. this will involve several people being talked about, some overtly, and some covertly mentioned.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Nate, are you OK? Wake up!

"Gurstelle and Oliveira distinguish a state which they call daytime parahypnagogia (DPH), the spontaneous intrusion of a flash image or dreamlike thought or insight into one's waking consciousness. DPH is typically encountered when one is "tired, bored, suffering from attention fatigue, and/or engaged in a passive activity. The exact nature of the episode may be forgotten even though the individual remembers having had such an experience." Wrap your head around that, or at least attempt to. Sometimes as I'm falling sleep my ADD will tangentially slingshot and leapfrog to very negative ends thus "not helping" me not have those happen. Or when I'm doing something terribly mundane a bad memory, not triggered, will come right up front in mind and literally shake me. There are times when I have multiple thoughts in my head when it happens. For example, when I was having one, one day where I could hear/see/touch/smell a person I had not seen for a long time, and part of me knew they weren't really there, so my mind was torn in thought; "relax, enjoy this, nothing is wrong, catch up with them" and "THIS IS NOT HAPPENING! WAKE THE FUCK UP!" And I would wake up, fall back asleep, the person would still be there, and it repeated 15x, it was very terrifying. The more I tried to stay awake the easier it was for me to get exhausted attempting to do that, so I'd just go right back. (mentioned above)They aren't voices, they are conflicting dichotomic and sometimes even trichotomic intruding thoughts, like my subconscious is split, or it's fighting my unconscious mind. Hell if I know. Apparently when bad experiences happen I groan and shake, my hands tighten up, my arms get tighter to my body, and my head shakes back and forth with the rest of me twisting that way. I say this because my parents have told me that, after they woke me up. I usually wake up with a jolt and a strong exhale. Pam is usually dead asleep to the world so she has absolutely no idea whats going on when it does happen. When it happens in my own bed, I'm not certain my brother even notices across the room since he's so tired from working his two jobs. And no, meds haven't helped anything as far as that goes.

Another [two?] post[s?] I will eventually get to: "There is a misconception about leaving a church that I would like to clear up. Just because someone leaves a church, does not mean they left God." -Lisa Bertolini, creator of

Sunday, January 9, 2011

The gears are turning but the teeth aren't grabbing

Update, my meds for controlling/dampening exacerbated mood swings and triggered upstarts work really really well. As I just had a very particular conversation with my parents that I felt that if I wasn't plugged with neurochemical balancers I would've broken down.

Since last year I've been having an issue of my brain/mind just totally stopping, coming to a halt. The train of thought goes over a broken bridge, goes zooming down, and crashes into such tiny pieces that it can't be recovered. It's really bad to attempt to get my mind back up and running after it's stopped like that. Side issue is where I can't convey ideas/concepts to other people I'm talking to. The word either; spoken, signed, written, or typed just isn't there. It's like I'm grabbing at a straw, put it in my hand, look back at the pile to pick up another, pick it up and put it in my empty hand when there should've been a straw there.

I am postponing a very particular post that I keep mentioning cause I cant find the words and phrases I want to use to tell the story and explain the situations both past and current.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Small excerpts from my journal, blobbed and retouched

My self control and self commitment are almost gone entirely.
What these means in context. Self control in general has been hard for me growing up with very strong ADD. It took a very very long time to develop the mental skill to be able to stop and think before acting. "Why did you do that?" "I don't know." There is no thought before doing something, it happens and you don't realize it happened till after the fact. The impulses and compulsions are very very strong, and almost (but not quite) to the level of OCD. So as I was growing up I had to learn to stop my own brain and then force myself to think about it. Didn't matter if it was something I was going to say or an action I was going to take, I had to learn to build floodgates. Around 4-6yo is when I was able to slow down my immediate physical responses to things people did to me. In example, shoving someone into a wall within half a second of them stepping on my foot. It took much much much much much much much longer to take to controlling what I said. I would say I had it down to a skill by the time I was 12, not perfect, but well restrained, and I was able to develop it well from there. By doing so I was able to think about what I wanted to say and how to phrase it so it should not be confusing, and would be direct. Both of these things have taken a monumental fall from where they used to be. Along with this, I have a harder time attempting to convey my thoughts to other people because there is some disconnect happening in my head between concepts/thoughts/ideas and words/phrases. I don't feel shame/guilt/remorse for actions I have taken. I literally have to sit and force myself to think if what I did was bad in some/any way/shape/form. On top of that, I don't have any sympathy or empathy to other people. Facebook post from December 4, 2010 at 11:24pm "Over the past year, I have been feeling (and acting) particularly highly indignant toward people/groups/ideas, and Im not certain how to quell it." Its causing other issues, and its quite bothersome. I do what I can to know and understand where someone is coming from and who they are and it's really hard for me to be able to connect to people at all. Add onto that the fact that my neuropsychologist said I am way above average in cognitive ability and speed. In essence, when I see things other people don't, I wonder why they are so stupid. So when two people with similar views read something and come to two completely different conclusions I try to figure out why. "How come someone be so negative to someone attempting to explain themselves?" It pains me when someone takes something I said the wrong way than what I thought I had put down. Continuing on with issues, when having conversations with people there are times where they say something that makes sense grammatically/syntactically/semantically, and I still have no clue as to what they said. That makes it excruciatingly difficult to have meaningful discussions and debates like I had in the past. I literally have to stop someone and ask them to explain something because the concept didn't "click." My emotions are so out of whack it's highly depressing, even for other people around me. Imagine being hit with a strong sense of anger with no trigger and no immediate outlet. Now imagine sorrow. Now think about how it never happens with happiness. Fun thought, eh? I have a hard time containing myself on many things. Moving on, when it comes to self control as far as "doing" and "not doing" something, I'm totally fucked. Commitment is very similar. When a friend or relative asks me to go do something with/for them as a voluntary service, I just get up and go. If it's anything for myself, there is nothing there internally to drive/push/motivate me, no matter the consequences of not doing it. Homework did not get done at all over the last three semesters, papers only got written cause I got help. I can't explain what goes on in my own head, but all I can say is that when I try forcing myself to do something the worse doing nothing happens. I can be screaming inside of my own head to "do" or "not do" something, and it will occur opposite of what I want and tell myself. For example, when I was holding a very close friend of mine for a long time because of how stressed she was one afternoon, I did what I could to not say "I have to go now." That didn't last past 4 seconds in my head when I said it outloud, and then was kicking myself and telling myself "WHY DID YOU SAY THAT! WTF NATE!" I keep telling myself "I'm not gonna do _. I'm not gonna do _. I'm not gonna do _. I'm not gonna do _. I'm not gonna do _." I still do it anyway and receive the consequences for it. "I am gonna do _. I am gonna do _. I am gonna do _. I am gonna do _. I am gonna do _." and I don't do it and receive the consequences for it. Its the most terrifying experience to realize that you have absolutely no control over your own mind. Now imagine that happening with texting other people, calling a person [back] on the phone, responding in class, and finally typing and sending a response online, and you have a pretty good idea of WTF is going wrong with Nate. Now also apply this with a depressive mood of apathy toward self commitment thrown in. I barely; get out of bed, eat, or groom myself at all unless I leave the house for whatever reason. What worked before to de-stress myself and to uplift me has no effect anymore. So when my parents went to "whip me back into shape" they made things worse and don't know what to do now. My parents and some friends say things that really really get me mad and I start to get very very very angry and very tense, and I have to tell them to "Stop. Just stop." talking or I will explode at them (both verbally AND physically). Yeah, it gets so bad I have absolutely zero issues with striking anyone with my fist. Other horrible things that happened in Nate's own head will be picked up in another post, but not now.

For atheists, this blog entry ends here.

Side rant: Yes, I have bloody well prayed about it since I found I had brain damage! There is no "have more faith." "You don't have enough faith." "You just need to pray more." BULLSHIT! I have my relationship with God, you have yours, don't tell me your "holier than thou" bullshit. One issue I have is with people telling me what they believe in philosophy/theology/spirituality because that is what they have been told, have not actually sat and thought about it, and haven't put it to any actual test or scrutiny, only a test of "spirit," and believe they have all the right answers without looking for themselves. I was raised to pray by asking God for "help with" things (guidance, strength, perseverance, diligence), no "yes/no" questions, no "can I have a _"'s, and lastly to give "thanks," thats it. Because the human mind has a strong grasp on itself and can give a false positive as being God's actions in our minds. I do not believe in asking God for answers, I ask God to help me find answers. Two HUGELY and VASTLY different things. I was raised to ask "why?" Because there is nothing that happens from persons' actions that does not have a form of explanation, so whenever my parents or grandmas told me something, and I asked why, I got a good answer and explanation, and can still ask them anything everyday as to their decisions! They taught me how to scrutinize anything and everything, to pick apart things to see what the message behind it is, and if it doesn't hold up to scrutiny then it should be discarded. When I look at/into something I look at it from every angle I can find and read everything I can on it; Pro, Con, Anti-, neutral, kicked out, left willingly, personal opinion, and statistical information. I then use my God given brain to discern for myself what it is. I then keep the good, and discard the bad. Read 1 Thessalonians 5:21 and then Discernment: Head or Heart?. Then read Jeremiah 17:9, and think about how much your own brain overrides things, like how emotions AND logic/reasoning go out the window when you go into fight or flight. Or how your family and friends can point out MAJOR flaws in a possible significant other that you can't see for yourself because of the neurochemical override of attachment to that person. I do believe people can drown out and override what God tells them, and can even think they are telling themselves what they believe what they "heard" is "from God." I like this very particular quote because it says exactly what I have problems with other people's opinion; "There's nothing so irrational as a person who believes they've inherited their opinion directly from God." That can also be used for a mediator for God; there is absolutely NO ONE who gets between a person and God! Yes, God manifests through other people in everyday lives, but does not say; "Hey, if you do this, I will give you all the answers." God has a much too large sense of humor for that, and gave us the ability to choose things ourselves by thinking about them. Another issue, whenever I hear a "Godly" person say the word "psychobabble," immediate thought in my head as to what that person is; "ignorant," plain and simple. If they are unwilling to learn how to discern the human mind from the Godly spirit, it freaks me the fuck out to even think about what that person believes about mental inabilities, trauma, and abuse.