Wednesday, March 16, 2011

My seemingly greatest tool is my worst weakness.

As I grew up I learned to perspectivize from as many angles as I possibly could. Being male, I learned to detach my emotions, empathies, and sympathies to a situation to break it down to basics to get something done with either efficiency or effectiveness maintained or accomplished. Having ADD just helped make it go that much faster.
As you may or may not know, my right side was damaged worse than my left side to make it go even a tad faster.
I learned to balance everything, the highest positive to the lowest negative. I would look at as many -isms as I could internally. I looked at it from as many sides as I possibly could, even if I didn't personally hold those beliefs. I read everything I can to expand my own view about various subjects so I can get to know and possibly understand where someone is coming from. It's helped me make better decisions in the long run. And it still helps today. I also go through which requires the most and least effort and best and worst outcome, and then go with it, but my priorities aren't intact as they used to be. But since 2009, it's not to the extent as it was. So when I decide on something, not quite like I used to be before, I literally, without thinking, choose the most effortless one no matter what outcome it ends in. It's jilted against progress only to self deprecation. So I know I need to do _, I know the negative outcomes, I know what's going to happen if it doesn't happen. No amount of internal yelling does anything. The more I get pushed around me, the more I shut down to not do anything.

I doesn't help that over more than 1.5 years now, the stuff I do seems to separate more and more into highly intellectual, and the polar opposite of highly emotionally indignation. The gap seems to continually widen everyday, bit by bit.

It doesn't help that many things I have done, I hadn't even let my medication take effect, let alone hadn't even taken yet. On top of that, the minor depression I have sucks the fun out of anything and everything and drives me to to the point of such extreme boredom and tiredness even though I KNOW I should be having fun. I had a single, simple maintained positive for 10 months, then my own angry dumbass made that disappear back in November after I didn't have it for 3 months, and literally a few days after that, I got on my new meds.

The more I talk to my therapist, the more I think about things, the clearer and simultaneously more convoluted things get.