Half Asleep

by School of Seven Bells (done back when both twins were still in)

Sometimes I go whole days listening bored, half sleep
I won't say anything
that's worth a thing to me One day,
suddenly, time took a turn that once felt so brief
I blinked to see polite ghosts fading quickly

What begins as an
unguarded train of thought slowly can become
an addiction
to the slumber of disconnection
and resonance of
memory that no longer has a shape
but keeps you numb
through the hours till gone's another day

Be aware, my darling
these things I say I mean are just
traces of something
I long to feel again I see
our time expand in the air almost forcibly,
spreading thinner till it dissolves completely

What begins as an
unguarded train of thought slowly can become
an addiction
to the slumber of disconnection
and resonance of
memory that no longer has a shape
but keeps you numb
through the hours till gone's another day

I DON'T KNOW, DRIVE!

Think of people saying this:
"You need to get out [of the house] [more]."
Now repeat it every week since summer of 2009.
Add my therapist onto that.

Now add on my parental dynamics;
"Mom, can I go to _?"
"Yeah, sure.
...
Wait, ask your dad."
"You know he's gonna say 'no,' I'd just prefer to ask you so you can say 'Yes,' then I can leave."
"You have to go ask him."
"Fine. To the rejection I go."
"Dad, can I go to _?"
"Did you pay for your car insurance?"
"That was rhetorical."
"Then you can't go _ or anywhere."
"..."
Usually it's not even worth asking.

Now, depending on the situation, my Dad sometimes does not care if I go out to improve my mood when I'm feeling really bad. It semi-depends on how far I go. He doesn't care about the ammo I burn through. When I got back he asked "So, how does it shoot?" ("it" referring to the handgun I received for Christmas 2010) He didn't complain about me driving (read as: using gas) out there till three days later.

But HAHA! Success! (If any of you have heard Kate say "SUCCESS!" the tone is exactly like that, but not the same volume) The family had dinner plans. Sis had a class to go to, thus, she was going to AVC. [insert window of opportunity opening with angelic light and song] So after dinner we went to AVC. Tonight was Silent Games Night. It's a social event for Sign Language students at AVC. I got to see a close friend (really surprised me at first, had to do a double take to even make sure it was my close friend) as well as seeing a good friend. I hadn't seen both of them since last year. I got to talk with my good friend for a long time. We had a lot to catch up on since not seeing each other for so long. We talked well past the time the event ended. I also saw an acquaintance whom I don't dislike in any way/shape/form, I just get frustrated by her. We were both being friendly to each other as polite adults to (granted, it was in public/semi-crowded room) and gave me a hug (that was a surprise). I would've liked to talk to both the acquaintance and close friend, but they both had to leave early. And yes, I AM talking about you overtly without using your name by being generally specific.

God help this man

Help this dragon
up and out from the ashes
created from the remains
of the damage pressed against him

Help this wolf
find fulfillment through who he is
not only by what he does
but who he knows

Help this force
come to see the angles unavailable
through the lenses he placed over his own eyes

Help this boy
to open up more what he needs to present
and not to fester and rot
by holding inside

Help this eagle
excel to places he sees
he can achieve in time
without pressure in front or above
only from pressure from inside, behind, and below

Stupidity and Hate Averted! (Yay for person!)

(No, not explaining the title, use your brain and what I've been alluding to in previous posts)

At first (Sep 2009) I was all like:
"But why would I do something like that…? Unless, of course, I wasn't myself. But if I'm not me, then who am I?" -Bane as Agent Smith Clone, Matrix 3

"What if I wanted to break/Laugh it all off in your face/What would you do? What if I fell to the floor/Couldn't take all this anymore/…I tried to be someone else/But nothing seemed to change/I know now, this is who I really am inside. Finally found myself/Fighting for a chance/I know now, this is who I really am" -The Kill, by 30 Seconds to Mars

"And if I only could,/Make a deal with God,/And get him to swap our places,/Be running up that road,/Be running up that hill,/Be running up that building./If I only could, oh..." -Running Up That Hill, cover by Placebo

"Can you describe what it's like? I feel nothing./Can you feel this? Does it sting?" -Medicate, by A.F.I.

"Little bit lost and.../Little bit lonely/A little bit cold here/A little bit feared…Getting used to it/Lit the fuse to it/Like to know who I am/…Been talking to myself forever...yeah/And how I wish I knew me better, yeah." -On A Good Day, by Above and Beyond presents Oceanlab

“You met me at a very strange time in my life.” –Narrator, Fight Club (film)

“(Can't stand to feel this way)/Clear out the cobwebs in my soul./This time I turn around/Things have changed/Now I don't feel the same…/Dammit, I changed again./Now I don't see/Things The way I did before/(Can't stand to feel this way)/Things i feel yesterday/Don't matter anymore…It doesn't make any sense/to feel so different day to day/(Can't stand to feel this way)/When nothing's changed except for me.” -Dammit, I Changed Again, by Offspring

“I'm not sick but I'm not well” -I'm Not Sick But I'm Not Well, by LIT

“You got what you wanted, but you lost what you had.” Dr. Facilier “Shadow Man”, The Frog Princess

“I am my own affliction/I am my own disease…/The sickness is myself…/I wanna get back the rest of me/… I wanna spend the rest of my life alive/… I wanna reverse this tragedy” -Mess of Me by Switchfoot

"Here, it's clear that I'm not getting better/... I'm alone in my room, I don't know what to do/... And when I daydream/... It's such a nice scene/ But then I wake up crying (then I wake up crying)/ I know I've just been lying right here" -Put Me Back Together by Weezer


And now (Jan 2011) I'm all like:


Update:
(The only time you may ever experience me saying this) THANK YOU GOVERNMENT YOU ACTUALLY DID SOMETHING GOOD!
I was unawares that legislation was passed that required mental health be put under general physical health. So, now my insurance can't be dicks! Buahahahahaha! In simplest form: my insurance has to pay for EVERYTHING (tests and therapy) I can now get that I need (and even some tests I want).

Psyche! So I have to re-explain something, since I found out some of you are totally confused.

Apparently some of you are misinterpreting what I'm putting here.

I'm simply relaying what has been going on since the damage has been done back from 2009 till now. It will be 2 years in August. I have written everything in a private psych journal, which I have only given to my psychologists. I have then put certain parts of it here as an explanation for what the f*** is happening in my head. This does not give chronology, nor will I say when this has all happened, nor the extent or entirety of the issues. Have some things happened last year, some even this year, and/or some 2 years ago? You won't know, and that is how I want to keep it. For those who think I'm going insane, you only have such little information to go on. And I'm sorry you are that narrow minded and unsympathetic to my plight. This is how I'm making amends to my friends as best I can since I mentioned before how some words don't connect in vocal conversation.

Currently I'm very well medicated for my mood swings (kudos to Dr Roy), my random anxiety attacks have been gone for a very good long while. Right now, I will not go into the cause of why I'm having triggered anxiety attacks, but I have medication for that as well. I'm going to south Pasadena for therapy on Friday, along with that, I have two more tests, and may possibly have to see another doctor who will work along side my psychologists AND my psychiatrist. And that is all you need to know.

This'll take me awhile

Warning to those who read my blog: The next entry (whenever I actually do it because of how much information will be put into it that it will take me a long time to sit and think about all of it and how to say it) will definitely make you uncomfortable (I'll delve in multiple directions in three large prongs to the post), i[t?] will talk about several different, but all connected subjects to various degrees, and depending on your personal constitution, and connection to me as a friend you may feel; anger/antagonistic, disgust, amusement, and/or benignant just to name a few. this will involve several people being talked about, some overtly, and some covertly mentioned.

Nate, are you OK? Wake up!

"Gurstelle and Oliveira distinguish a state which they call daytime parahypnagogia (DPH), the spontaneous intrusion of a flash image or dreamlike thought or insight into one's waking consciousness. DPH is typically encountered when one is "tired, bored, suffering from attention fatigue, and/or engaged in a passive activity. The exact nature of the episode may be forgotten even though the individual remembers having had such an experience." Wrap your head around that, or at least attempt to. Sometimes as I'm falling sleep my ADD will tangentially slingshot and leapfrog to very negative ends thus "not helping" me not have those happen. Or when I'm doing something terribly mundane a bad memory, not triggered, will come right up front in mind and literally shake me. There are times when I have multiple thoughts in my head when it happens. For example, when I was having one, one day where I could hear/see/touch/smell a person I had not seen for a long time, and part of me knew they weren't really there, so my mind was torn in thought; "relax, enjoy this, nothing is wrong, catch up with them" and "THIS IS NOT HAPPENING! WAKE THE FUCK UP!" And I would wake up, fall back asleep, the person would still be there, and it repeated 15x, it was very terrifying. The more I tried to stay awake the easier it was for me to get exhausted attempting to do that, so I'd just go right back. (mentioned above)They aren't voices, they are conflicting dichotomic and sometimes even trichotomic intruding thoughts, like my subconscious is split, or it's fighting my unconscious mind. Hell if I know. Apparently when bad experiences happen I groan and shake, my hands tighten up, my arms get tighter to my body, and my head shakes back and forth with the rest of me twisting that way. I say this because my parents have told me that, after they woke me up. I usually wake up with a jolt and a strong exhale. Pam is usually dead asleep to the world so she has absolutely no idea whats going on when it does happen. When it happens in my own bed, I'm not certain my brother even notices across the room since he's so tired from working his two jobs. And no, meds haven't helped anything as far as that goes.

Another [two?] post[s?] I will eventually get to: "There is a misconception about leaving a church that I would like to clear up. Just because someone leaves a church, does not mean they left God." -Lisa Bertolini, creator of spiritualabuseawareness.com