"Gurstelle and Oliveira distinguish a state which they call daytime parahypnagogia (DPH), the spontaneous intrusion of a flash image or dreamlike thought or insight into one's waking consciousness. DPH is typically encountered when one is "tired, bored, suffering from attention fatigue, and/or engaged in a passive activity. The exact nature of the episode may be forgotten even though the individual remembers having had such an experience." Wrap your head around that, or at least attempt to. Sometimes as I'm falling sleep my ADD will tangentially slingshot and leapfrog to very negative ends thus "not helping" me not have those happen. Or when I'm doing something terribly mundane a bad memory, not triggered, will come right up front in mind and literally shake me. There are times when I have multiple thoughts in my head when it happens. For example, when I was having one, one day where I could hear/see/touch/smell a person I had not seen for a long time, and part of me knew they weren't really there, so my mind was torn in thought; "relax, enjoy this, nothing is wrong, catch up with them" and "THIS IS NOT HAPPENING! WAKE THE FUCK UP!" And I would wake up, fall back asleep, the person would still be there, and it repeated 15x, it was very terrifying. The more I tried to stay awake the easier it was for me to get exhausted attempting to do that, so I'd just go right back. (mentioned above)They aren't voices, they are conflicting dichotomic and sometimes even trichotomic intruding thoughts, like my subconscious is split, or it's fighting my unconscious mind. Hell if I know. Apparently when bad experiences happen I groan and shake, my hands tighten up, my arms get tighter to my body, and my head shakes back and forth with the rest of me twisting that way. I say this because my parents have told me that, after they woke me up. I usually wake up with a jolt and a strong exhale. Pam is usually dead asleep to the world so she has absolutely no idea whats going on when it does happen. When it happens in my own bed, I'm not certain my brother even notices across the room since he's so tired from working his two jobs. And no, meds haven't helped anything as far as that goes.
Another [two?] post[s?] I will eventually get to: "There is a misconception about leaving a church that I would like to clear up. Just because someone leaves a church, does not mean they left God." -Lisa Bertolini, creator of spiritualabuseawareness.com
Monday, January 10, 2011
Sunday, January 9, 2011
The gears are turning but the teeth aren't grabbing
Update, my meds for controlling/dampening exacerbated mood swings and triggered upstarts work really really well. As I just had a very particular conversation with my parents that I felt that if I wasn't plugged with neurochemical balancers I would've broken down.
Since last year I've been having an issue of my brain/mind just totally stopping, coming to a halt. The train of thought goes over a broken bridge, goes zooming down, and crashes into such tiny pieces that it can't be recovered. It's really bad to attempt to get my mind back up and running after it's stopped like that. Side issue is where I can't convey ideas/concepts to other people I'm talking to. The word either; spoken, signed, written, or typed just isn't there. It's like I'm grabbing at a straw, put it in my hand, look back at the pile to pick up another, pick it up and put it in my empty hand when there should've been a straw there.
I am postponing a very particular post that I keep mentioning cause I cant find the words and phrases I want to use to tell the story and explain the situations both past and current.
Since last year I've been having an issue of my brain/mind just totally stopping, coming to a halt. The train of thought goes over a broken bridge, goes zooming down, and crashes into such tiny pieces that it can't be recovered. It's really bad to attempt to get my mind back up and running after it's stopped like that. Side issue is where I can't convey ideas/concepts to other people I'm talking to. The word either; spoken, signed, written, or typed just isn't there. It's like I'm grabbing at a straw, put it in my hand, look back at the pile to pick up another, pick it up and put it in my empty hand when there should've been a straw there.
I am postponing a very particular post that I keep mentioning cause I cant find the words and phrases I want to use to tell the story and explain the situations both past and current.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Small excerpts from my journal, blobbed and retouched
My self control and self commitment are almost gone entirely.
What these means in context. Self control in general has been hard for me growing up with very strong ADD. It took a very very long time to develop the mental skill to be able to stop and think before acting. "Why did you do that?" "I don't know." There is no thought before doing something, it happens and you don't realize it happened till after the fact. The impulses and compulsions are very very strong, and almost (but not quite) to the level of OCD. So as I was growing up I had to learn to stop my own brain and then force myself to think about it. Didn't matter if it was something I was going to say or an action I was going to take, I had to learn to build floodgates. Around 4-6yo is when I was able to slow down my immediate physical responses to things people did to me. In example, shoving someone into a wall within half a second of them stepping on my foot. It took much much much much much much much longer to take to controlling what I said. I would say I had it down to a skill by the time I was 12, not perfect, but well restrained, and I was able to develop it well from there. By doing so I was able to think about what I wanted to say and how to phrase it so it should not be confusing, and would be direct. Both of these things have taken a monumental fall from where they used to be. Along with this, I have a harder time attempting to convey my thoughts to other people because there is some disconnect happening in my head between concepts/thoughts/ideas and words/phrases. I don't feel shame/guilt/remorse for actions I have taken. I literally have to sit and force myself to think if what I did was bad in some/any way/shape/form. On top of that, I don't have any sympathy or empathy to other people. Facebook post from December 4, 2010 at 11:24pm "Over the past year, I have been feeling (and acting) particularly highly indignant toward people/groups/ideas, and Im not certain how to quell it." Its causing other issues, and its quite bothersome. I do what I can to know and understand where someone is coming from and who they are and it's really hard for me to be able to connect to people at all. Add onto that the fact that my neuropsychologist said I am way above average in cognitive ability and speed. In essence, when I see things other people don't, I wonder why they are so stupid. So when two people with similar views read something and come to two completely different conclusions I try to figure out why. "How come someone be so negative to someone attempting to explain themselves?" It pains me when someone takes something I said the wrong way than what I thought I had put down. Continuing on with issues, when having conversations with people there are times where they say something that makes sense grammatically/syntactically/semantically, and I still have no clue as to what they said. That makes it excruciatingly difficult to have meaningful discussions and debates like I had in the past. I literally have to stop someone and ask them to explain something because the concept didn't "click." My emotions are so out of whack it's highly depressing, even for other people around me. Imagine being hit with a strong sense of anger with no trigger and no immediate outlet. Now imagine sorrow. Now think about how it never happens with happiness. Fun thought, eh? I have a hard time containing myself on many things. Moving on, when it comes to self control as far as "doing" and "not doing" something, I'm totally fucked. Commitment is very similar. When a friend or relative asks me to go do something with/for them as a voluntary service, I just get up and go. If it's anything for myself, there is nothing there internally to drive/push/motivate me, no matter the consequences of not doing it. Homework did not get done at all over the last three semesters, papers only got written cause I got help. I can't explain what goes on in my own head, but all I can say is that when I try forcing myself to do something the worse doing nothing happens. I can be screaming inside of my own head to "do" or "not do" something, and it will occur opposite of what I want and tell myself. For example, when I was holding a very close friend of mine for a long time because of how stressed she was one afternoon, I did what I could to not say "I have to go now." That didn't last past 4 seconds in my head when I said it outloud, and then was kicking myself and telling myself "WHY DID YOU SAY THAT! WTF NATE!" I keep telling myself "I'm not gonna do _. I'm not gonna do _. I'm not gonna do _. I'm not gonna do _. I'm not gonna do _." I still do it anyway and receive the consequences for it. "I am gonna do _. I am gonna do _. I am gonna do _. I am gonna do _. I am gonna do _." and I don't do it and receive the consequences for it. Its the most terrifying experience to realize that you have absolutely no control over your own mind. Now imagine that happening with texting other people, calling a person [back] on the phone, responding in class, and finally typing and sending a response online, and you have a pretty good idea of WTF is going wrong with Nate. Now also apply this with a depressive mood of apathy toward self commitment thrown in. I barely; get out of bed, eat, or groom myself at all unless I leave the house for whatever reason. What worked before to de-stress myself and to uplift me has no effect anymore. So when my parents went to "whip me back into shape" they made things worse and don't know what to do now. My parents and some friends say things that really really get me mad and I start to get very very very angry and very tense, and I have to tell them to "Stop. Just stop." talking or I will explode at them (both verbally AND physically). Yeah, it gets so bad I have absolutely zero issues with striking anyone with my fist. Other horrible things that happened in Nate's own head will be picked up in another post, but not now.
For atheists, this blog entry ends here.
Side rant: Yes, I have bloody well prayed about it since I found I had brain damage! There is no "have more faith." "You don't have enough faith." "You just need to pray more." BULLSHIT! I have my relationship with God, you have yours, don't tell me your "holier than thou" bullshit. One issue I have is with people telling me what they believe in philosophy/theology/spirituality because that is what they have been told, have not actually sat and thought about it, and haven't put it to any actual test or scrutiny, only a test of "spirit," and believe they have all the right answers without looking for themselves. I was raised to pray by asking God for "help with" things (guidance, strength, perseverance, diligence), no "yes/no" questions, no "can I have a _"'s, and lastly to give "thanks," thats it. Because the human mind has a strong grasp on itself and can give a false positive as being God's actions in our minds. I do not believe in asking God for answers, I ask God to help me find answers. Two HUGELY and VASTLY different things. I was raised to ask "why?" Because there is nothing that happens from persons' actions that does not have a form of explanation, so whenever my parents or grandmas told me something, and I asked why, I got a good answer and explanation, and can still ask them anything everyday as to their decisions! They taught me how to scrutinize anything and everything, to pick apart things to see what the message behind it is, and if it doesn't hold up to scrutiny then it should be discarded. When I look at/into something I look at it from every angle I can find and read everything I can on it; Pro, Con, Anti-, neutral, kicked out, left willingly, personal opinion, and statistical information. I then use my God given brain to discern for myself what it is. I then keep the good, and discard the bad. Read 1 Thessalonians 5:21 and then Discernment: Head or Heart?. Then read Jeremiah 17:9, and think about how much your own brain overrides things, like how emotions AND logic/reasoning go out the window when you go into fight or flight. Or how your family and friends can point out MAJOR flaws in a possible significant other that you can't see for yourself because of the neurochemical override of attachment to that person. I do believe people can drown out and override what God tells them, and can even think they are telling themselves what they believe what they "heard" is "from God." I like this very particular quote because it says exactly what I have problems with other people's opinion; "There's nothing so irrational as a person who believes they've inherited their opinion directly from God." That can also be used for a mediator for God; there is absolutely NO ONE who gets between a person and God! Yes, God manifests through other people in everyday lives, but does not say; "Hey, if you do this, I will give you all the answers." God has a much too large sense of humor for that, and gave us the ability to choose things ourselves by thinking about them. Another issue, whenever I hear a "Godly" person say the word "psychobabble," immediate thought in my head as to what that person is; "ignorant," plain and simple. If they are unwilling to learn how to discern the human mind from the Godly spirit, it freaks me the fuck out to even think about what that person believes about mental inabilities, trauma, and abuse.
What these means in context. Self control in general has been hard for me growing up with very strong ADD. It took a very very long time to develop the mental skill to be able to stop and think before acting. "Why did you do that?" "I don't know." There is no thought before doing something, it happens and you don't realize it happened till after the fact. The impulses and compulsions are very very strong, and almost (but not quite) to the level of OCD. So as I was growing up I had to learn to stop my own brain and then force myself to think about it. Didn't matter if it was something I was going to say or an action I was going to take, I had to learn to build floodgates. Around 4-6yo is when I was able to slow down my immediate physical responses to things people did to me. In example, shoving someone into a wall within half a second of them stepping on my foot. It took much much much much much much much longer to take to controlling what I said. I would say I had it down to a skill by the time I was 12, not perfect, but well restrained, and I was able to develop it well from there. By doing so I was able to think about what I wanted to say and how to phrase it so it should not be confusing, and would be direct. Both of these things have taken a monumental fall from where they used to be. Along with this, I have a harder time attempting to convey my thoughts to other people because there is some disconnect happening in my head between concepts/thoughts/ideas and words/phrases. I don't feel shame/guilt/remorse for actions I have taken. I literally have to sit and force myself to think if what I did was bad in some/any way/shape/form. On top of that, I don't have any sympathy or empathy to other people. Facebook post from December 4, 2010 at 11:24pm "Over the past year, I have been feeling (and acting) particularly highly indignant toward people/groups/ideas, and Im not certain how to quell it." Its causing other issues, and its quite bothersome. I do what I can to know and understand where someone is coming from and who they are and it's really hard for me to be able to connect to people at all. Add onto that the fact that my neuropsychologist said I am way above average in cognitive ability and speed. In essence, when I see things other people don't, I wonder why they are so stupid. So when two people with similar views read something and come to two completely different conclusions I try to figure out why. "How come someone be so negative to someone attempting to explain themselves?" It pains me when someone takes something I said the wrong way than what I thought I had put down. Continuing on with issues, when having conversations with people there are times where they say something that makes sense grammatically/syntactically/semantically, and I still have no clue as to what they said. That makes it excruciatingly difficult to have meaningful discussions and debates like I had in the past. I literally have to stop someone and ask them to explain something because the concept didn't "click." My emotions are so out of whack it's highly depressing, even for other people around me. Imagine being hit with a strong sense of anger with no trigger and no immediate outlet. Now imagine sorrow. Now think about how it never happens with happiness. Fun thought, eh? I have a hard time containing myself on many things. Moving on, when it comes to self control as far as "doing" and "not doing" something, I'm totally fucked. Commitment is very similar. When a friend or relative asks me to go do something with/for them as a voluntary service, I just get up and go. If it's anything for myself, there is nothing there internally to drive/push/motivate me, no matter the consequences of not doing it. Homework did not get done at all over the last three semesters, papers only got written cause I got help. I can't explain what goes on in my own head, but all I can say is that when I try forcing myself to do something the worse doing nothing happens. I can be screaming inside of my own head to "do" or "not do" something, and it will occur opposite of what I want and tell myself. For example, when I was holding a very close friend of mine for a long time because of how stressed she was one afternoon, I did what I could to not say "I have to go now." That didn't last past 4 seconds in my head when I said it outloud, and then was kicking myself and telling myself "WHY DID YOU SAY THAT! WTF NATE!" I keep telling myself "I'm not gonna do _. I'm not gonna do _. I'm not gonna do _. I'm not gonna do _. I'm not gonna do _." I still do it anyway and receive the consequences for it. "I am gonna do _. I am gonna do _. I am gonna do _. I am gonna do _. I am gonna do _." and I don't do it and receive the consequences for it. Its the most terrifying experience to realize that you have absolutely no control over your own mind. Now imagine that happening with texting other people, calling a person [back] on the phone, responding in class, and finally typing and sending a response online, and you have a pretty good idea of WTF is going wrong with Nate. Now also apply this with a depressive mood of apathy toward self commitment thrown in. I barely; get out of bed, eat, or groom myself at all unless I leave the house for whatever reason. What worked before to de-stress myself and to uplift me has no effect anymore. So when my parents went to "whip me back into shape" they made things worse and don't know what to do now. My parents and some friends say things that really really get me mad and I start to get very very very angry and very tense, and I have to tell them to "Stop. Just stop." talking or I will explode at them (both verbally AND physically). Yeah, it gets so bad I have absolutely zero issues with striking anyone with my fist. Other horrible things that happened in Nate's own head will be picked up in another post, but not now.
For atheists, this blog entry ends here.
Side rant: Yes, I have bloody well prayed about it since I found I had brain damage! There is no "have more faith." "You don't have enough faith." "You just need to pray more." BULLSHIT! I have my relationship with God, you have yours, don't tell me your "holier than thou" bullshit. One issue I have is with people telling me what they believe in philosophy/theology/spirituality because that is what they have been told, have not actually sat and thought about it, and haven't put it to any actual test or scrutiny, only a test of "spirit," and believe they have all the right answers without looking for themselves. I was raised to pray by asking God for "help with" things (guidance, strength, perseverance, diligence), no "yes/no" questions, no "can I have a _"'s, and lastly to give "thanks," thats it. Because the human mind has a strong grasp on itself and can give a false positive as being God's actions in our minds. I do not believe in asking God for answers, I ask God to help me find answers. Two HUGELY and VASTLY different things. I was raised to ask "why?" Because there is nothing that happens from persons' actions that does not have a form of explanation, so whenever my parents or grandmas told me something, and I asked why, I got a good answer and explanation, and can still ask them anything everyday as to their decisions! They taught me how to scrutinize anything and everything, to pick apart things to see what the message behind it is, and if it doesn't hold up to scrutiny then it should be discarded. When I look at/into something I look at it from every angle I can find and read everything I can on it; Pro, Con, Anti-, neutral, kicked out, left willingly, personal opinion, and statistical information. I then use my God given brain to discern for myself what it is. I then keep the good, and discard the bad. Read 1 Thessalonians 5:21 and then Discernment: Head or Heart?. Then read Jeremiah 17:9, and think about how much your own brain overrides things, like how emotions AND logic/reasoning go out the window when you go into fight or flight. Or how your family and friends can point out MAJOR flaws in a possible significant other that you can't see for yourself because of the neurochemical override of attachment to that person. I do believe people can drown out and override what God tells them, and can even think they are telling themselves what they believe what they "heard" is "from God." I like this very particular quote because it says exactly what I have problems with other people's opinion; "There's nothing so irrational as a person who believes they've inherited their opinion directly from God." That can also be used for a mediator for God; there is absolutely NO ONE who gets between a person and God! Yes, God manifests through other people in everyday lives, but does not say; "Hey, if you do this, I will give you all the answers." God has a much too large sense of humor for that, and gave us the ability to choose things ourselves by thinking about them. Another issue, whenever I hear a "Godly" person say the word "psychobabble," immediate thought in my head as to what that person is; "ignorant," plain and simple. If they are unwilling to learn how to discern the human mind from the Godly spirit, it freaks me the fuck out to even think about what that person believes about mental inabilities, trauma, and abuse.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
SUCCESS! kinda...
So, my neuropsych finally got ahold of me today (apparently my cell number was hand written, it has 2x 9s and 2x 4s, thus who ever wrote it has terrible number writing and it was confusing). Someone at her office hadn't sent the report she had filed for giving me a copy of it that she sent to the insurance. She said that I will need to go back to my clinical psych (the one that did the initial evaluation and told me i had depression) to get a Comprehensive Psycho-diagnostic evaluation from, and then have Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to then be able to fix most of my issues. She also suggested I go to a neuropsychiatrist (gives meds based on wtf is going on in my head as far as synapses misfiring/damage and not just neuro-hormonal balance).
PROGRESS!
Will be going over problems (horrible symptoms) I have been facing within the past year + months (will be as discreet at possible on some details for identity protection, if i even mention them at all).
PROGRESS!
Will be going over problems (horrible symptoms) I have been facing within the past year + months (will be as discreet at possible on some details for identity protection, if i even mention them at all).
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Going to the psychologists' and how my insurance really pisses me off
Trying to find a Neuropsychologist is rather difficult. Finding one that's on my insurance plan is far harder, finding one decently close, is even harder. But then I found Persona Neurobehavior Group! Got an appointment back in June, on the 23rd at their Long Beach location. I saw a Clinical Psych, I had been keeping track of symptoms and other things, and I printed my psych journal for her to read, she said I had a minor form of depression. Wont go over any symptoms or specifics of other occurrences in this post. Anyway, she said I needed to see a Neuropsych. Closest one is in South Pasadena, and shes only there on Thursdays, thus, I had to wait a good long while (Aug 5th) to see her. Issues with how this played out; insurance only covered me for 2 hours. She gave me as many as we could go through in that time. She concluded that "You have above average cognition and cognitive speed. I wish I could do more tests to pinpoint just what is wrong. I also wish I could've tested you before your TBI, 'cause if you can tell you're slower now, for being as fast and sharp as you are with these tests now, I'm really curious how fast you were before." "Me too." I still have other tests to do that she told me about, that insurance said in lawspeak/legalese; "She says you're better than fine, fuck off for more testing."
My immediate reaction when I got the letter my insurance didn't clear me for more testing is similar to as the image below:
My immediate reaction when I got the letter my insurance didn't clear me for more testing is similar to as the image below:
Friday, December 10, 2010
And so it begins... again. 'cept this time for real, and I mean it!
Where to begin... Graduated from AVC Spring '09 with Deaf Studies AA and AutoCAD Drafting AS. Didn't have all transfer units completed, so I knew I would have to take one more semester at AVC (joy). A day or so before my birthday (May), I went to my allergist for my yearly evaluation/checkup. Doc noticed both nasal passages completely inflamed and plugged my nose up tight (air tight). Usually, this would be from a sinus infection and would clear up once the weather/plants weren't in cahoots to kill me. According to him this wasn't quite that nice. Had me come back a month-ish later (don't remember many details why). Anyway, said that since they didn't go down at all, that I should get a CT scan done to see how extensive the inflammation was. So I went to AVOIC, had my CT scan done, and went home. A few days later, I got a call from the allergist saying "YOU NEED TO GET AN MRI, AS SOON AS YOU CAN!" "OK..., I'll make an appointment." "I will call ahead to see you get one sooner." "OK, thank you." Had an MRI done, because MRI have sharp clarity where as CT are more fuzzy with details. Allergist said that "it's extensive, and you'll need to have an E(ar)N(ose)T(hroat) specialist/surgeon look." That was SO reassuring. I don't remember when I saw my ENT spec in summer, but he said they were called "sinus polyps" gave me a prescription for a fun (slightly mood altering) steroid to get the inflammation down, by A LOT. But that still wasn't enough and I would have to have surgery done to remove them/it all. The damage was so extensive that he wasn't sure if he could get them/it all out from just my nose, and may have to cut the top of my skull, pry my brain up out of the way, and drill straight down into my forehead from my brain pan (almost brain surgery, woo!). So I was then sent to a neurologist, and he did a physical exam of my balance, coordination, spatial awareness, not sure if there were other things, but he said I was fine for what had happened. Which was slightly reassuring. After I had been on the anti-inflammatory steroids for awhile, I went and got another CT done at the ENT so they could look and see where all the bone was, and how much I still had intact. My ENT said that he could get them all out via my nose, and nothing drastic was necessary. The sinus polyps had grown so slowly that it pushed against the bone is such a way that when it regrew/replenished it was physically reshaped. Now, the polyps could have grown in several different directions/axes (plural of axis). Straight forward and pushed my forehead into a funny shape and disfiguring me most uncomfortably, down onto my eyes/optic nerve causing blindness, down against my upper palate and changed the way my jaw moved and affected chewing, back and slightly down into several glands (that would've been really bad), but they grew straight up and back pushing the bone of my sinuses expanding them into my brain case straight up and slightly back causing rather decently large dents into my brain. Now for those of you who haven't taken psychology 101, those parts of the brain are known as the frontal lobes, and are quite important for human beings. The problem with the polyps is they grew so slowly that nobody knows how long I've had them, could've started growing in 2007, could've started around 1998. Nobody knows. My brain just responded by restructuring/rewiring itself as the pressure slowly grew to accommodate the synapses being compressed. I had surgery on August 12, 2009 (weeks? before fall semester started), and things have not been the same since. My ENT said that he was removing ones the size of his thumb (the dude's 6'2" not small thumbs). Since then the pressure against my brain has been gone, and the possibility of synaptic tearing (imagine pushing a sponge together really tight, and then pulling it apart slowly as it begins to rip, its kinda like that). Since my frontal lobes have been damaged how I was as a person (many different facets of my being) in the past isn't the same as how I am now, and I can't go back, no matter how much I want to and try to. I write down things that happen to me on a day-to-day basis of "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!" in a psych journal. To put it in my own way; my brain got raped by a baseball bat, and my mind is paying for it. Will expand on some things later, and/or correct the rambling to me more structured. Meh, right now I need to figure out how to copy CT and MRI scans easily to Black&White images.
Next adventure; Nate goes to the psychologists', and his insurance royally fucks him over!
Next adventure; Nate goes to the psychologists', and his insurance royally fucks him over!
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